I think about all the things I have done wrong in my life. I wonder if I am playing it down to cut myself slack or exaggerating it because I believe I am worse than I actually am. Either way I am protecting myself. And it is tiresome, protecting yourself over and over. That's another thing about the past, regardless of which part I look at I find myself alone. It has been such a long time 28 years, when you feel so alone. I know I am being ungrateful and taking away from everyone who has been around, everyone who has loved me. But we feel how we feel, right? It is still valid right? I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes in life, I wish I hadn't hurt so many people, I wish I hadn't allowed myself to carry it all by myself. I know they say that it gets better and it is depression that makes you think it won't, it can't but I don't think it does. I don't think it will. I am tired and alone and done. I don't want to go on like this. Maybe because it is 8:30 in the morning and I haven't slept a beep or because it has been 28 years of a lonely, neverending and miserable life with a few and fleeting moments of joy and love.
So Numb, So Sensitive
As I lie down staring into the emptiness of the room I inhabit and the life I lead, wondering how things change, and people and most importantly how you change without even realizing it until you are too far ahead of who, you used to be. It is actually funny how you become a stranger to yourself more like to your former self, how you become so apathetic that nothing matters anymore. And then there are days or should I say people, who make you so sensitive, so fragile, so vulnerable that every pore in your body, every emotion your soul possesses and every wound of your heart comes back to life to remind you of what used to be and what never will be. I just hate such days,or should I say such people? Perhaps I loved them way too much, once.
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