-
I think about all the things I have done wrong in my life. I wonder if I am playing it down to cut myself slack or exaggerating it because I believe I am worse than I actually am. Either way I am protecting myself. And it is tiresome, protecting yourself over and over. That's another thing about the past, regardless of which part I look at I find myself alone. It has been such a long time 28 years, when you feel so alone. I know I am being ungrateful and taking away from everyone who has been around, everyone who has loved me. But we feel how we feel, right? It is still valid right? I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes in life, I wish I hadn't hurt so many people, I wish I hadn't allowed myself to carry it all by myself. I know they say that it gets better and it is depression that makes you think it won't, it can't but I don't think it does. I don't think it will. I am tired and alone and done. I don't want to go on like this. Maybe because it is 8:30 in the morning and I haven't slept a beep or because it has been 28 years of a lonely, neverending and miserable life with a few and fleeting moments of joy and love.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lillies of Love

-
Image
 I have found a love that is not all-consuming or treacherously torturous. It is calm and reassuring and gentle. Don't get me wrong it is frustrating at times and heartbreaking at others but more than anything it is fulfilling. I have struggled all my life with feeling loved, I have known that I am loved, I just have struggled to feel it, despite the constant reassurance and overwhelming evidence. So you can imagine the shock and turmoil of someone coming along and making me feel loved, even before ever saying they loved me. I am not saying it is not a wonderful shock, but it is also scary. It is so scary to be your most vulnerable self, an emotional mess, ever so angry at little things and still being loved, at your worst, and your best. It doesn't come without the guilt, just because they make you feel safe enough that you don't have to hide your worst from them, doesn't mean they should have to deal with it. But let me tell you despite the overwhelming guilt, the gra...
Read more

Unsent Letter

-
 I have decided that I don't hate you anymore. I don't think I ever actually hated you, but I did resent you. I resented you for so long, for not putting in enough effort, for falling out of love with me, for taking me for granted. But I never hated you, I loved you too much to ever be able to hate you. I think we both went in it with love, I am sure that I did but I think you did too, because I felt loved, I felt wanted, I felt complete. Maybe that was the problem, you were not the missing piece, that was not on you but that is a discussion for another day. I think we went in with love or infatuation mistaken for love and when we ran out it, whatever that it was, we were afraid or perhaps too lazy to come out. I don't know about you but I know I knew deep down that we had run out of whatever that it was, but I kept telling myself, maybe if I put in a little more effort, a little more time we will rekindle it. I don't know about you though, because you stopped telling m...
Read more

Lemon Cheese Cake ;)

-
Image
Here is the story for everyone, who is worried about me and can't wait to see me. I along with all my Pakistani YES friends were to fly back to Pakistan on the night of 17th June, as we were going through the process of checking in with United Airlines few hours before our flight and it was my turn to check in the Computers of the Airlines crashed all over USA. The Airlines started giving us hand written boarding passes to us and we started going through security and after few of us (with hand written boarding passes) they stopped letting people with hand written boarding passes go through secuity. Those of us who were cleared from security went to the waiting room with our fellows and we waited there for our flight which was to leave at 10:15 pm till 4:28 am (yes i remember the exact time) when the flight was cancelled. We went back to the AU campus and were told to check out at 12:00 pm for our next flight. We safely boarded our flight from Dulles Airport for Kuwait, where we ...
Read more