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I think about all the things I have done wrong in my life. I wonder if I am playing it down to cut myself slack or exaggerating it because I believe I am worse than I actually am. Either way I am protecting myself. And it is tiresome, protecting yourself over and over. That's another thing about the past, regardless of which part I look at I find myself alone. It has been such a long time 28 years, when you feel so alone. I know I am being ungrateful and taking away from everyone who has been around, everyone who has loved me. But we feel how we feel, right? It is still valid right? I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes in life, I wish I hadn't hurt so many people, I wish I hadn't allowed myself to carry it all by myself. I know they say that it gets better and it is depression that makes you think it won't, it can't but I don't think it does. I don't think it will. I am tired and alone and done. I don't want to go on like this. Maybe because it is 8:30 in the morning and I haven't slept a beep or because it has been 28 years of a lonely, neverending and miserable life with a few and fleeting moments of joy and love.

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