It is amazing to be present and not being there, not in a good way of course. Most of the times when we find ourselves helpless we wait for the suffering to be over, we learn to endure, to submit to what we can't change, we spend our days counting minutes, our weeks counting days, our years counting months. What is terrifying are the consequences not of the suffering or misery itself but of the endurance and the submission in a way we learn to be okay with what isn't right, what should have been right, what is ugly and harmful for everyone. We slowly and unconsciously become numb after a while. It seems like we can live with it and everyone else should be able to as well. Endurance, putting one foot after the other, hanging in there, whatever you may call it no one deserves to live like that, we all deserve to live without fear, live out loud, live the life we want. Yet most of us spend our days, lives even, waiting, enduring, hoping. We shouldn't have to.
Lillies of Love
I have found a love that is not all-consuming or treacherously torturous. It is calm and reassuring and gentle. Don't get me wrong it is frustrating at times and heartbreaking at others but more than anything it is fulfilling. I have struggled all my life with feeling loved, I have known that I am loved, I just have struggled to feel it, despite the constant reassurance and overwhelming evidence. So you can imagine the shock and turmoil of someone coming along and making me feel loved, even before ever saying they loved me. I am not saying it is not a wonderful shock, but it is also scary. It is so scary to be your most vulnerable self, an emotional mess, ever so angry at little things and still being loved, at your worst, and your best. It doesn't come without the guilt, just because they make you feel safe enough that you don't have to hide your worst from them, doesn't mean they should have to deal with it. But let me tell you despite the overwhelming guilt, the gra
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