Lemon CheeseCake

It is amazing to be present and not being there, not in a good way of course. Most of the times when we find ourselves helpless we wait for the suffering to be over, we learn to endure, to submit to what we can't change, we spend our days counting minutes, our weeks counting days, our years counting months. What is terrifying are the consequences not of the suffering or misery itself but of the endurance and the submission in a way we learn to be okay with what isn't right, what should have been right, what is ugly and harmful for everyone. We slowly and unconsciously become numb after a while. It seems like we can live with it and everyone else should be able to as well. Endurance, putting one foot after the other, hanging  in there, whatever you may call it no one deserves to live like that, we all deserve to live without fear, live out loud, live the life we want. Yet most of us spend our days, lives even, waiting, enduring, hoping. We shouldn't have to.

Indigo, for some  reason I had associated that colour with her. Indigo glitter if I were to be specific.I saw her walking my way and I could see tiny indigo confetti sprinkling in the background. Everything she did, illustrated perfection, walking, speaking, looking even breaking hearts. She didn't do anything she wasn't perfect at . She would walk into a room quietly yet everyone would notice her, they say some people are born with spark, she lived with one. She was my favorite thing to look at, to wish for, to be scared of. She was my biggest desire, my darkest nightmare. 

She lived in agony. She couldn't complain for she was blessed. She couldn't be thankful for she found herself helpless a little too often.

Feel free to crush around and obsess over guys but not Love. Don't be too desperate for love. Don't look for it not because it is not worth it but because it must find you, it must find you when you are not looking, when you have your guard down. When you don't have a "how he is supposed to be" mapped out. Because we fall for people who are nothing like our supposed to bes. Not that handsome, not that rich, not that funny, not that smart but 1000 other amazing things. So yeah. Don't let anticipation ruin love. Don't expect so much that something as amazing as love would disappoint you. Let it find you when you aren't ready, when your hair is a mess and you are not your usual witty self.  Because most of the times when we try too hard, we mess it up.

She pulled her hand away from mine, looking in the other direction. I remained quiet and as minutes passed by  she realized that her silent treatment wasn't enough to stir up a response. She looked me in the eye, and I could see the pain, I could see that I could have saved her and I didn't, I could see that I was partly if not entirely responsible for her suffering. Fighting back tears, she managed to speak, , "You knew all along, didn't you?". Too scared to look at her I kept gazing forward, while I could sense her fluctuating attempts to confront me, look me in the eye. I had to answer her, I owed that to her, I owed her a whole lot more than that, but even though I had anticipated this day, I had known I would have to answer her questions, even though I had assembled answers to those questions and practiced them, even when I had mustered up justifications to give to her, at that very moment I had nothing, absolutely nothing. "I did, all along. I wanted t...

Dhaane wale tu aksar bhool jaate hain Sitam jin pe hota hai, woh humesha yaad rakhte hain