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Unsent Letter

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 I have decided that I don't hate you anymore. I don't think I ever actually hated you, but I did resent you. I resented you for so long, for not putting in enough effort, for falling out of love with me, for taking me for granted. But I never hated you, I loved you too much to ever be able to hate you. I think we both went in it with love, I am sure that I did but I think you did too, because I felt loved, I felt wanted, I felt complete. Maybe that was the problem, you were not the missing piece, that was not on you but that is a discussion for another day. I think we went in with love or infatuation mistaken for love and when we ran out it, whatever that it was, we were afraid or perhaps too lazy to come out. I don't know about you but I know I knew deep down that we had run out of whatever that it was, but I kept telling myself, maybe if I put in a little more effort, a little more time we will rekindle it. I don't know about you though, because you stopped telling m...
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 I have found a love that is not all-consuming or treacherously torturous. It is calm and reassuring and gentle. Don't get me wrong it is frustrating at times and heartbreaking at others but more than anything it is fulfilling. I have struggled all my life with feeling loved, I have known that I am loved, I just have struggled to feel it, despite the constant reassurance and overwhelming evidence. So you can imagine the shock and turmoil of someone coming along and making me feel loved, even before ever saying they loved me. I am not saying it is not a wonderful shock, but it is also scary. It is so scary to be your most vulnerable self, an emotional mess, ever so angry at little things and still being loved, at your worst, and your best. It doesn't come without the guilt, just because they make you feel safe enough that you don't have to hide your worst from them, doesn't mean they should have to deal with it. But let me tell you despite the overwhelming guilt, the gra...
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So many shows I don't watch, because they'd be too heavy, but I'd watch them with you if you came over on a Friday night, we could watch them together while eating a tub of ben and jerry's, as if your presence would somehow make them lighter. But you do, you make things lighter for me. I look at recipes and save them for next time we cook together, as if it will be in coming weeks. I plan holidays and our life in my head as if it is gonna happen for sure.  I see people holding hands and stifle the yearning in my heart, reassuring myself I have plenty of them, just can't access them right now as if our love is in a safe deposit box. I take pictures of things only for you and some days I wish I didn't have to, that I could just show you but I can't so I take the pictures and try to fit my day into the texts and calls. The hugs and kisses, we hold onto them until we see each other again. I yearn for what we already have and sometimes it seems almost as distant ...
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