Lemon CheeseCake

 I hope whenever you see sunflowers you think of me, or chrysanthemums or any flower for that matter. I hope when you think of me, you have enough love in your life that you don't ache for mine but still miss it a wee bit in a sweet way. I hope when you think of me, you smile for all the times I made you smile and you me. I hope your heart finds so much happiness and peace that you think of me only in passing as a faint memory of what could have been but never will be. I hope when it is time for me to finally go, you find out about it and shed a tear or two. I hope that when we meet in heavens you and I can finally be friends. Alternatively, when we are reduced specks of dust, I hope we fall in the same garden, become the soil that grows flowers, flowers that you never got me, flowers I hoped would remind you of me. I hope for too much, that's always been my fault.

 I have decided that I don't hate you anymore. I don't think I ever actually hated you, but I did resent you. I resented you for so long, for not putting in enough effort, for falling out of love with me, for taking me for granted. But I never hated you, I loved you too much to ever be able to hate you. I think we both went in it with love, I am sure that I did but I think you did too, because I felt loved, I felt wanted, I felt complete. Maybe that was the problem, you were not the missing piece, that was not on you but that is a discussion for another day. I think we went in with love or infatuation mistaken for love and when we ran out it, whatever that it was, we were afraid or perhaps too lazy to come out. I don't know about you but I know I knew deep down that we had run out of whatever that it was, but I kept telling myself, maybe if I put in a little more effort, a little more time we will rekindle it. I don't know about you though, because you stopped telling m...

It's raining and it's cold and I can't help but think of the last time I was in your arms. It was the last time I was home too, but you'll probably never know that and you don't have to either. Now that you are gone, I haven't just lost you, I have lost my home too and I had yearned for it for so long. So,when I finally found it in you, I didn't look for anything else, I didn't ask for anything else. But that's not how you felt, you felt I asked for too much, so much that it made you feel like you weren't enough. When I found a home in you, I let my demons lose, I let my guard down, I let you see all of me because I thought I was finally home. But, that was too much for you and I understand why and how that must have made you feel, and I am starting to not hold that against you. But, I haven't begun to heal, I don't think I will any time soon.

 It is frustrating and exhausting to be with you and not even be with you. To love you with all my heart and to know that you are not mine, never will be. To force myself to not even think if you can be. To wait for you to text, to not be sure if you can't reply or if you don't want to. To not being able to count on you, to think if I was dying and I called you, you might not even be able to answer. To love you anyway. To keep reminding myself that I have no right on you whatsoever, to know that you own me nonetheless. To love you, anyway.

The smell of your breath, the touch of your hand, and most importantly the way you made me feel, I am losing you bit by bit. I wish I could explain how I feel but I don't even know where to start because I am losing me bit by bit too. There are things and people and times and nothing compares to you because it doesn't make me feel like you did. I am a stranger entrapped in this body, everyday a little less than the one you knew because I am losing me bit by bit.

It scares me when people say things like, "don't worry if you didn't get what you deserve, God/Karma will make it up to you in another way", "all debts are paid in this world". It scares me because what about all the things we got and didn't deserve. Nobody talks about that. Is there a reverse compensation for that? Would we have to give up the things we didn't really earn or something else to make up for it? If not, then how is any of this fair? But nobody talks about that. 

It didn't last, like everything else. Maybe, life makes you less forgiving or maybe you make the choice to be. But every once in a while, everyone (no matter how big their Messiah complex is) get tired of being used and trampled on. They say it gets easier and there isn't a bigger lie than that. It gets tougher everyday, all the efforts made are flushed down the toilet, and even worse is all the love that gets taken for granted. Maybe life really turns how we expect it to be. So you're the one to blame for miserable you're, funny isn't it? The numbness has left me too, the hurt and pain are back but they are feeble this time around, yet it isn't better, it didn't get better like everyone said. I guess, it is just another unkept promise. You'd think I'd get used to those by now, hah.