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Lillies of Love

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 I have found a love that is not all-consuming or treacherously torturous. It is calm and reassuring and gentle. Don't get me wrong it is frustrating at times and heartbreaking at others but more than anything it is fulfilling. I have struggled all my life with feeling loved, I have known that I am loved, I just have struggled to feel it, despite the constant reassurance and overwhelming evidence. So you can imagine the shock and turmoil of someone coming along and making me feel loved, even before ever saying they loved me. I am not saying it is not a wonderful shock, but it is also scary. It is so scary to be your most vulnerable self, an emotional mess, ever so angry at little things and still being loved, at your worst, and your best. It doesn't come without the guilt, just because they make you feel safe enough that you don't have to hide your worst from them, doesn't mean they should have to deal with it. But let me tell you despite the overwhelming guilt, the gra
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I think about all the things I have done wrong in my life. I wonder if I am playing it down to cut myself slack or exaggerating it because I believe I am worse than I actually am. Either way I am protecting myself. And it is tiresome, protecting yourself over and over. That's another thing about the past, regardless of which part I look at I find myself alone. It has been such a long time 28 years, when you feel so alone. I know I am being ungrateful and taking away from everyone who has been around, everyone who has loved me. But we feel how we feel, right? It is still valid right? I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes in life, I wish I hadn't hurt so many people, I wish I hadn't allowed myself to carry it all by myself. I know they say that it gets better and it is depression that makes you think it won't, it can't but I don't think it does. I don't think it will. I am tired and alone and done. I don't want to go on like this. Maybe because it is 8
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Whatever Scares You The Most

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Your dreams define who you are, they often say it in the cheesy movies, in good novels, on random sadist Facebook pages. What about blue and incorrigible people who don't believe in dreaming anymore, for whom life is just the name of getting through the day, putting one step in front of another. Like being glum isn't enough they are indefinable as well. Call me an elegiac but I believe what actually define us, are our fears. The things we are scared of most, are the things we don't want to be or more like things we already are but we aren't ready to acknowledge legitimacy of this reality. Things we say we hate are the things that we are afraid of seeing, doing, or becoming. We all might not have dreams but we all have fears. Be it darkness, crowds, heights or hurtful people we all have something that takes our breath away, in a bad away of course. Fear leads to destiny, it might not tell us what we want but sure as hell declares what we don't want. And knowing t
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