I hope whenever you see sunflowers you think of me, or chrysanthemums or any flower for that matter. I hope when you think of me, you have enough love in your life that you don't ache for mine but still miss it a wee bit in a sweet way. I hope when you think of me, you smile for all the times I made you smile and you me. I hope your heart finds so much happiness and peace that you think of me only in passing as a faint memory of what could have been but never will be. I hope when it is time for me to finally go, you find out about it and shed a tear or two. I hope that when we meet in heavens you and I can finally be friends. Alternatively, when we are reduced specks of dust, I hope we fall in the same garden, become the soil that grows flowers, flowers that you never got me, flowers I hoped would remind you of me. I hope for too much, that's always been my fault.
It is frustrating and exhausting to be with you and not even be with you. To love you with all my heart and to know that you are not mine, never will be. To force myself to not even think if you can be. To wait for you to text, to not be sure if you can't reply or if you don't want to. To not being able to count on you, to think if I was dying and I called you, you might not even be able to answer. To love you anyway. To keep reminding myself that I have no right on you whatsoever, to know that you own me nonetheless. To love you, anyway.
I have found a love that is not all-consuming or treacherously torturous. It is calm and reassuring and gentle. Don't get me wrong it is frustrating at times and heartbreaking at others but more than anything it is fulfilling. I have struggled all my life with feeling loved, I have known that I am loved, I just have struggled to feel it, despite the constant reassurance and overwhelming evidence. So you can imagine the shock and turmoil of someone coming along and making me feel loved, even before ever saying they loved me. I am not saying it is not a wonderful shock, but it is also scary. It is so scary to be your most vulnerable self, an emotional mess, ever so angry at little things and still being loved, at your worst, and your best. It doesn't come without the guilt, just because they make you feel safe enough that you don't have to hide your worst from them, doesn't mean they should have to deal with it. But let me tell you despite the overwhelming guilt, the gra...
uff.. matlab ye end hai. kahan se copy mara hai? ;)
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