Lemon CheeseCake

I think about all the things I have done wrong in my life. I wonder if I am playing it down to cut myself slack or exaggerating it because I believe I am worse than I actually am. Either way I am protecting myself. And it is tiresome, protecting yourself over and over. That's another thing about the past, regardless of which part I look at I find myself alone. It has been such a long time 28 years, when you feel so alone. I know I am being ungrateful and taking away from everyone who has been around, everyone who has loved me. But we feel how we feel, right? It is still valid right? I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes in life, I wish I hadn't hurt so many people, I wish I hadn't allowed myself to carry it all by myself. I know they say that it gets better and it is depression that makes you think it won't, it can't but I don't think it does. I don't think it will. I am tired and alone and done. I don't want to go on like this. Maybe because it is 8

 I hope whenever you see sunflowers you think of me, or chrysanthemums or any flower for that matter. I hope when you think of me, you have enough love in your life that you don't ache for mine but still miss it a wee bit in a sweet way. I hope when you think of me, you smile for all the times I made you smile and you me. I hope your heart finds so much happiness and peace that you think of me only in passing as a faint memory of what could have been but never will be. I hope when it is time for me to finally go, you find out about it and shed a tear or two. I hope that when we meet in heavens you and I can finally be friends. Alternatively, when we are reduced specks of dust, I hope we fall in the same garden, become the soil that grows flowers, flowers that you never got me, flowers I hoped would remind you of me. I hope for too much, that's always been my fault.